Do Women Really Want Men to Lead??

When people say things like ‘women want this’ or ‘men do that’ what they are really saying is that ‘the feminine energy desires this’ or ‘the masculine energy does that.’

Like when we hear woman want to soften and surrender to a man’s leadership. Really what they are saying is that the feminine energy desires to soften and surrender to the masculine container, when there’s safety to do so.

And we all have both feminine and masculine energies. When someone says the man leads the relationship, really what is meant is the masculine energy leads the relationship. In many contemporary relationships it is actually the woman who is leading the relationship in her masculine energy. Look at the typical suburban mom who runs the household, manages the kids, schedules the social life, all while holding down a job or running a business. She is in her masculine energy. The men in these relationships will often defer making any kind of social commitment until they speak to their wife. Sometimes it is out of respect, mostly it is because she decides the schedule; all he does is show up where and when he’s told. I have friends, grown men in their 50s, who have just said to me in the last month “Just tell me where to take the kids and I’ll do it!” And they think this is a good thing, they think this is giving her what she needs. I’ll do anything you want to make you happy! Except lead.

“I’ll do anything you want to make you happy!” Except lead.

Truth is, while most women can lead as well as a man they don’t want to be in their masculine energy all the time. They want the man to step into his mature masculine energy and take the lead. For most women it is not their nature to be in their masculine energy All. The. Time. It’s exhausting for them.

Unfortunately, this healthy masculine leadership was never modeled for most of us men. We grew up to be good little boys. Raised by our mothers and female school teachers to listen, follow the rules, and get a cookie. When your husband pays the bills, mows the lawn, does the dishes, shows up when and where you tell him to, then doesn’t get sex at the end of the day, he throws a tantrum because he didn’t get his ‘cookie’.

Yet, without that healthy polarity the woman, whose nature is to be in her feminine, is exhausted from being in her masculine leadership energy. She isn’t feeling feminine or sexy, and definitely isn’t feeling the healthy polarity of a romantic relationship when he is in his feminine energy of ‘just tell me what to do!’

So who goes first? The woman doesn’t trust the man the lead when she has had to. When he tries to lead she resists. He gives up. And the vicious cycle begins to spiral downward. At the bottom is called divorce, or an affair, or roommates without passion.

Men, I truly believe we need to go first.

Men, I truly believe we need to go first. Yes, to you ladies who will be triggered by this - the masculine energy leads, whether that is in you or him. Yes, men, that means you may meet resistance or rejection, and you need to be okay with that. It starts with being okay with that. That’s where the deeper work lies.

And it’s not just about men and women. This dynamic plays out in other relationships, be they homosexual, non-binary or whatever. Polarity attracts. That’s why you will hear the immature terms of ‘pitcher and catcher’, ‘butch and fem’. It’s a lower consciousness understanding of this nature. In all healthy relationships there is a masculine energy that leads and a feminine energy that flows.

I have a friend I grew up with, a girl. She was always very feminine, very ‘girly’. I loved it, even as a preteen. Not in a sexual way, but in that she owned it, owned who she was. The unfortunate thing is that her feminine energy attracted repeated mistreatment by her father, who was clearly in his own wound, his immature masculine. No surprise she attracted not 1 but 2 abusive marriages, replaying the energies she felt from the masculine in her life.

Eventually she wound up with a ‘woman’. I’ve met this woman. I put it in quotes because she has said to me directly ‘I am a man in a woman’s body’. This was before it was cool to be trans. This was a legitimate masculine energy in a female body. And you know what — it’s fucking beautiful. My friend gets the masculine energy that she craves, that leads, that allows her to soften and flow in her feminine. And she gets the safety of being with a woman. This was the perfect match.

So, just know that when ‘coaches’ say women must respect their men, and trust their lead, what they really mean is those who want to be in their feminine energy must respect the masculine energy in their life, to allow them to lead. But really — the masculine energy has to go first. Because, after all, the masculine leads.

-Tom Bucsku, written without AI

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